"When was the first time you recall feeling fat?"
Jane's glossy upper lip curled. "I don't remember."
"What's the most weight you've ever been?"
Eyes flicked downward, showing a soft surface of brown eyeshadow and eyeline, etched egyptian. "125."
Paper's shuffled. A pencil made a few sketchy marks on a notepad. "When was that?"
"The day after the Super Bowl, years ago."
There was the quick tap of a calculator, and then the psychologist glanced over her broad-rimmed glasses. "You do realize that that's a healthy weight for your height?"
Jane scowled. "I'm healthy now."
"But you are still anorexic."
"This is stupid."
Fingers folded. "I agree. Humans eat, Jane. To do otherwise would be stupid. It doesn't make sense."
Leaving the armchair vacant, Jane scooped her purse from off the tan carpet and glared down at the woman sitting cross-legged across from her.
"Fuck you."
Jane left.
Just try one, Jade, just try one. [Your eyes are made of lightening.]
Tuesday, September 1st -- I really don't know why I went today. I'm the best I've been in years. Nothing's really been all that bad since I first started and then that break out when I was fifteen. I'm great, I'm really self confident and I weigh in at 110 lbs. That's great for me. It took a while for me to learn to stomach it, but hey, I don't mind the chinese food now and then. I was really nasty, though, and that's just not me. I've always hated psychologists, though, even since that incident when I was 12 or something. Nothing, really. Anyway, I'm getting sick of the Ramen I usually get. I was thinking about trying out a new type...
A crushed coke can was shoved into her pencil holder. Next to that, a computer speaker had been set up. Faded down to low, Queen softly strummed in the restful apartment. Behind the desk, Jane's fingers brushed softly on the keys, haltingly. She bit her lip often, brushing her dark hair from her eyes or playing with her beaded necklace.
The sheets of her bed were tossled, a handful of unwashed dishes crowded the sink, and her trash can overflowed with papers bent, folded, crumpled or completely ripped to shreds. Wind whistled through the crack in the window she had left open, and a handful of these papers skittered across the floor.
Soft at first, the phone rang, and then the sound bloomed fully into the afternoon, ringing with increasingly furiousity. Jane reached over and scooped it from its cradle, pushing it into her cheek with her shoulder.
"Hello?"
"Hi? Hi. Jane?"
"Uh-huh."
"Sorry to call. I know you're probably writing."
"Meh. I can hardly write a thing this afternoon. What's going on?"
"Uh...well, you know me..."
Jane rolled her eyes. It was Hahn. They were best friends all throughout highschool, but Hahn was prone to alchohal and unusual situations. It was always interesting to see how she woke up in the morning, or where.
"Where are you, Hahn?"
"Home." There was an expected silence. "But I'm not alone."
Jane grabbed her coffee mug, which was half full, and took a long draw. "You are so stupid, Hahn. In any case, why can't you get him to leave? Usually guys are dashing for the doorway."
"Well, that's the thing, Jade.... Guys will...."
A lurch gripped Jane's stomach. She snorted at first, but then bit back her laughter. "You are on your own for this one, honey." Giggling, she terminated the call and placed her feet up on her desk -- two tiny ones with sets of black painted nails, wrapped in high heels.
The phone rang. Jane picked it up.
"Jane?" Hahn said from the other end.
"Uh huh," Jane answered, examining her nails.
"You coming, then?"
"In a minute."
"Thank you, Jade, thank you - you know I'm horrible at these things, I mean I'll never ask you to do this again, I promise - "
"Yeah huh. I'm taking you to an AA meeting."
"Fine, fine, just as long as you - "
"Yes, Hahn. See you in a few."
With a heavy sigh, she clicked the phone back into it's cradle. Letting her eyes slam shut the world, she glimpsed her racing thoughts within her for a second before standing and going to her open window. Undoing the lock, she tried to push it downward.
It wouldn't budge. A cold gust soared in a ruffled her papers again. Cursing, she pressed harder, bouncing up and down. "C'mon, you stupid fucking thing - " The jammed window creaked, and then slammed shut. Beyond the glass, a nailed in screen tore free and toppled three stories to the sidewalk below. Jane eyed it as it fell, mouth hanging slightly open.
"Great," she growled. "Perfect." Snatching a black trench coat from the back of her chair, she flung it over her shoulders and pushed through the front door, slamming it shut behind her.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Lies!
I think it's just fine...
Yes, I was planning on continuing this, but I figured it was too cutesy. Sorry, guys .
Whatever happened to Baby Jane, eh?
I'm a fan of pieces that open right into dialogue. Just thought I'd mention that.I'm with Jack - it certainly seems like the opening to something longer to me, not a complete piece in itself.
Onward, Critting Soldiers!
This doesn't quite sound right... "most weight" just is slightly weird; say it out loud. Something like "What's the heaviest you've ever been?" might work better, or a variation thereof.
Reading this first section, a thought occurs to me - if you're opening, for example, a novel, you need something that grabs attention. You're already halfway there, but I think what would be really cool is if you wrote everything in short-sentence present tense.
For example, you've got lines like "papers shufled", "Jane scowled" and "fingers folded" - I think it would be great if everything was like this, and present-tensified. So, for example, "A glossy upper lip curls"; "Eyes flick downward; a soft brown surface of eyeshadow and eyeline, etched egyptian."; "A quick tap of the calculator. A glance over broad-rimmed spectacles."; "Fingers fold."
It's just a thought - if you're extending this (it's certainly got extension potential) it could take the form of present-tense, terse meetings with a psychologists and the rest written as a normal narrative. Just gives it that edge of creativity and interest for the reader.
Anyway, that was a deviation that you may feel free to entirely ignore
No apostrophe.
Perhaps a full-stop instead of a comma?
Hmm, watch that - I understand that you're trying to allude to something that will be revealed later on, but there's always a danger of making the prophetic voice a little too obvious: anyone who reads that will instantly think 'uh-oh, screwed up past psychologist revelation coming later.' Maybe just something like "I've always hated psychologists, ever since I was a kid." Then it's not so blatant, and later on people will go 'ah... that's what she meant.' Or something like that.
Tossled... I like. Tousled, perhaps?
Hmm... "these papers" just bends the ear awkwardly - there's got to be a better way of showing that image... grr, my creative brain just isn't working in gear tonight.
Do phone rings get louder if they're left? I didn't know that...
This sentence is a little strangely constructed - it would seem to fit better the other way around: "The phone rang; softly at first, then blooming fully into the afternoon, [some word that isn't "ring" again] with increasing furiousity." Yeah?
In other news, I'm starting a love affair with the word 'furiousity'.
Yeargh... not the "they were best friends though... etc." line - it's just been seen too many times for anyone to care. Something along the lines of "they'd tackled sandpits, broken crayons, adolescence and graduation together, but..." or, y'know, that idea but phrased better by you?
My advice says drop the capital on "Guys" and stick it in italics - I pretty much missed it the first time, because it looked as if she just didn't finish the sentence. Make it a little more obvious.
The next conversation section is very well done, seemed natural and amusing - the high heels line has been rightly highlighted as an excellent one.
I reckon you can extend some of these sentences - "Beyond the glass, a nailed in screen tore free and toppled three stories to the sidewalk below; she eyed it as it fell, mouth hanging slightly open." And I think you only need one of those words. Two, and things get a little much jammed.
Anyway, I think this is a really great start to something - it doesn't stand particularly well on its own, for the reasons Jack stated, but it would make a good opening chapter to a novel - so why not start one?
If you do, think about switching tenses for the interview - just seems like a neat discriminator between sections.
Good piece
We're left unclear about character motivations and that makes them less likeable and/or relatable. This is a decent start but as it stands doesn't leave much of an impact.
Xan, I edited your post to make it an 'R' -- please remember everything with the F word is considered an R rating on this site.
I'm not really sure what to make of this. It's not a conventional short story -- there's no character development, no beginning then end. There's no real plot. We have a couple of characters that have been introduced but left at that, a few incidents with which to get to know them. Usually, short short short stories focus on a single event. I'd prefer this to explore one of the characters more -- perhaps Jane, and why she doesn't want to eat enough, etc. At the moment I felt unsatisfied, because there's no real "point" to the piece.
However, those things aside, it was well-written, and perhaps it was only writing practice. I don't know. Good images were shown throughout the story. Like Cass, I loved "wrapped in high heels." I didn't reall understand the point of the bolded text, though, with the bracketed "Your eyes are made of lightning." Didn't get that at all. I liked your dialogue, too.
Ummm...*Feels embarrassed* I just discovered that I had a draft of a short little crit for this in my folder from a month or so ago...but hey, better late than never, right?
^ Just a typo
Wrapped in high heels? Nice imagery...
So...I'm assuming/hoping there's more to this? Because the way you've introduced the characters draws the reader right in, makes them wonder, What's going to happen? Nice work.
Lightning*
Alcohol*
Anyway, I liked this a lot. You drew the characters really well and placed them in the story perfectly. I don't really have much to say except for great work.
Keep it up.